Grandma Journal

13th December 2008 Thursday - When the day arrived….

The day when she had a stroke it all changed. It came all in sudden, we were not aware that it would be her call. She has been already suffering a lot, besides this, has added her burden more to suffer. I visited her that evening, I felt sad looking at her. The whole right side of hers has gone numb without feeling or any movements. She could only see and hear slightly has she can’t talk clear. She slurs as her tongue is twisted. She has already been affected with her current situation, but this has made it worst for her. She can’t eat proper food or drink. She tried to call my name when I visited her but it was not understandable. The only thing I knew that she was happy to see me when she pointed her hand to be held when she saw that day. She always had been fond of me.
I held her hand, she was trying to say something, but I could not make sense out of it, but I asked her question for her to node her head for yes or no. She wanted to sit up, as she was not comfortable.
 

I called one of my uncle’s to help me; we made her sit but she could not balance by herself as there no self-support at all. She looked at me, the eyes filled with fear, fear of not sure what might happen is going through inside her mind.
She hasn’t eaten anything for the whole day , it was already 9pm.My uncle, Shan asked her if she wanted to drink ; milk , nestum or rice porridge. She nodded for milk. I fed her the milk with a spoon, but it was oozing out of her mouth, she could hardly swallow anything. She tried again, but it was not going in. Then I tried again on her left side, at least a little flowed into her mouth. As I was looking into her eyes, I could see her fear , the fear of that she can’t eat or drink. She is a person who enjoys food though. Looking at her in that situation was hurting me a lot.

After that, she wanted to lie down; we laid her on the bed. My Uncle Ragu asked her, if she wanted to go to the hospital now”, she nodded no, than again he asked her “Do you want to go tomorrow”, she nodded yes. Then he asked her “shall we go to Sri Kota, she nodded a big no or “Gleneagles”, there was a big yes. My Uncle laughed, even though she is not feeling too good, but she is strong with her own choice to make the decision.
My mother stayed the night over with her; she came all the way after hearing her stroke attack. Uncle Ragu , decided to take her to the hospital tomorrow and was making the plans. I left the night back home, saw her and told am going back now, she smile at me ( I can’t forget that last smile from her ).

Friday – Final hospital visit...

My grandmother was taken to the hospital by an ambulance. She was admitted as they need to check on her brain for any bleeding due to the stroke. She was on the 5th floor Suite in Gleneagles. (That was the last she was there). I only visited her at the hospital on Sunday after 2 days , she was not normal , they have place a tube through her nose for feeding, because of that , she has been restless all day , screaming and making noises as it’s not comfortable. I could feel what she is going through with that miserable thing in the nose and feeling the ticklish feeling in the throat. When, I was there, she was fast asleep; she always needed someone to hold her hand as she was frightened. I held her hands for a moment, she knew it was me. She looked at me but she can’t ask the usual question “when you, how you came “? I just looked at her and kissed on her forehead as I hold back my tears.
 

I was there for a while, as it was Sunday, and I had to go for my weekend shift work. All my other uncles and aunties were there except for Gandhi Uncle. I spend a few hours before I left for work.

My Aunt Manju was making a joke saying that the eldest and youngest in family are in the same hospital. Just few days ago, after she has visited my uncle’s son Parran my little brother born prematurely (that was the last she saw him. That’s when we assume the deal of life has taken place. She has made a deal to save him by giving her’s). That’s when she failed and he was recovering.


Monday – Wishes fulfilled 

 
She was discharged. She was back home. They got her a new remote bed which might be easier for her to move and adjust her. After work, I went home straight and rested. That evening, I was at her place the apartment. Everyone was there too; spending the time with her to make sure she is not frightened and keeps her strong.
I can’t imagine how she would be feeling inside her. Frighten that something might happen to her. The fright itself was weakening her for every second.

On the hand, everyone is worried about my little brother, Parran who is also not doing too well.
My mother left on the day my grandmother was discharged, as she had things to settle before the school reopens for year 2009.That night, uncle Shan stayed back with my grandmother .Uncle Segar and the children left to Australia that evening for a holiday since it was school holiday .I was at the airport to send them off. They we all excited.

Tuesday – Last moments...

 
I was not feeling quite well; I parked myself in the apartment with the others with my grandmother. That day she did not look too good. She looks terribly bad, her face was pale because lack of sleep less food. The ayurvedic man came to treat her paralyzed leg, there were some movement and she felt pain. But still there were some hope that she would regain from the stroke.

Basically, she has been crouching and sitting the whole night and sleeping. She is very uncomfortable with the tube inside her when she lies down. I feel really sorry looking at her going thru all this. I was at her side for a moment adjusting her head as she was crouching. In that position, she slept soundly as she was very tired because lack of sleep the previous nights. But how long could she just sit like that, it’s bad for her and her back will give more problems, and she tries to speak out of what is happening to herself. But all of it is buried in her, only the fear in her eyes could be seen and it’s difficult to understand what to say to us and what she wants us to do. That was the very last time I saw her in conscious state, able to talk to her and call her “Ammai” The last time I heard her slurring voice and saw her staring at when I left the room. That night, it was either me or my aunt manju supposed to stay with her .But my aunt decided to stay, and I was with my little sister Charu back home.


Wednesday – Normal day....

 
I was at work as normal . My grandmother was still in the same state of uncomfortability with her position. I called my aunt every hour to check on her, no improvement as she is still the same. Food fed thru tube and she crying in pain and discomfort. But she was really weak.


Thursday – Plans were made, deal closed....

 
My Aunt Vani arrived to Malaysia from UK yesterday but she only visiting my grandmother today. She made up her mind up to come to Malaysia there were no plans though as what she told. So she was there too with rest of them but everything change that evening, all my aunt and uncle Ragu was in the apartment with my grandmother. Grandmother wasn’t comfortable that day as she was restless, out of sudden her breathing was different, my aunt doctor came and checked on her, gave her some medicine. As time passed by, my aunt  Kanama peeped on grandmother to see how is she doing in the room as they all were in hall and realized that her breathing changed badly, she alerted my uncle and the others, called my Doctor aunt advised them to rush her to Sri Kota. This is where all started, the moment has arrived for her. She was admitted and as she was very serious. (On the other hand, I and my cousin Abby were out of town. We were in PD for the Reiki health retreat programme for 2 days. That night, has all this was taking place in Klang and we were not reachable, but something was triggering me the whole night, as I could not sleep, so restless).


Friday – The last wish....

 
In the morning as we (me and my cousin were still in PD, our Reiki master informed us that we need to go back now as our grandmother is not doing very well. My mind went blank for a moment; I was speechless and started to shiver, not knowing what had happened. I immediately called my aunt Manju as they could not contact us as our phones were switch off. Then she told me that grandmother is really serious and is in the ICU. They asked both of us to come back soon. I was unspeakable and started slurring. I was nervous and scared, hoping it should not end too soon. This should not being happening now, it’s not the time.
 

I can’t think anymore of anything total blank, I just packed everything and we both left, I told my sister to drive as I my mind was not stable. All along the journey I felt horrible and frightened. I loved her so much through my heart; she just can’t leave me too soon.
 

We both straight went to the hospital; I just can’t wait to see her. I was sweating and my heart beats were very fast. There I was on the 8th floor; saw my uncle Ragu and uncle Shan sitting outside the ICU unit. I just sat on the bench for a moment to calm myself, as we need to take turns to see her. Everyone was there except for those who are in Australia .Then it was our turn to go in, I saw her from a distance laying and breathing hard with the oxygen mask. There was all kind all machine fixed on her. My aunt Vani was by her side and sobbing away, I felt my tears accumulating in my eyes, I went near her to call her out but I could not bring myself to do it. This time the tears were out slowly flowing on my cheeks. My mind was already filled with questions pondering,” what happened, why is she like this , will she hear me , will she talk to me again, will she back to normal or is this the end of her life , is this the final stage”.

I held back my tears and called to her slowly, “Ammai , Vicky vanthuruken , paaru kenge ( Vicky here, see me )”, her eyes lids moved and also her left hand, I know she heard me calling at her but she is trapped in her unconscious mind. I couldn’t hold back my tears every time I see like that. I spend few moments with her. Meanwhile uncle Ragu was making plans to take her back to Teluk Intan as her last wish to be in her own room and in her own house. The doctor told that she won’t last long, she is getting weaker. My uncle told the doctor to sustain her till my uncle Segar flies back from Australia at least she could see her for the last before anything happens further. Doctor advised for another alternative is putting her on ventilator which is a very bad option and it is helpless to her body though. If they place her on that machine, it would not be possible to take her back safely as the machine is not mobile portable. All of us just prayed for the good that nothing would happen and she will be able to fight back as usual of what she has done all these years. It’s impossible if she can’t do it this time. She is a strong woman all her life. We thought there would be a second chance, but we were all wrong this time

Arrangement to take her back was confirmed , no ventilator and we know she can do it. The Australian gang is already on their way, they will be reaching Malaysia at about 9pm that night. Once they are here, she would be immediately transported back to hometown.

I went back to bath and pack my cloths. Everyone has planned to go back the moment she is transported. We don’t know what will happen but we all kept praying hard for her to survive to fulfil her last wish.

I couldn’t believe all these were happening at the moment. My mind was interrupted and a lot of past memories started to flow in. I tried to ignore but can’t, all the happy and sweet memories I had with her are treasured by me.
I just packed and took a quick bath and rushed back to the hospital. There was a little changes with her pressure and heat beat, it has increase as she is responding a little, that itself was a good sign that she is trying to fight back.

My Vani gave her some holy water from “kailash”.Everyone fed her a little in hope that she will recover .It worked for that moment, she was doing well for doctor’s surprise. Meanwhile, outside the ICU uncle Shan was deciding who should go back first to organize her room. I volunteered myself to drive and I left Klang as planned at about 6pm. All along the journey my mine was not stable. Thinking of her, what will or might happen, will she leaves us all too soon. I tried to calm myself down and also I was sleepy, couldn’t drive the car, stopped over a petrol station chilled myself and drove again. I sped as I could and reached Teluk Intan at about 8pm.
 

As I reached Kampung Guru, for the very first time the house was in total darkness and quite. No cars on the porch, empty and no one to open the gate. That itself made me sadder. The house which always would be filled with people and now it’s kind of different at that very moment. I helped my aunt Bojema and with some help of the office workers assisting us to clean and sort her room for her arrival .

Later on, second group arrived that was my aunt Manju and uncle Gamini  and my sister Charu. We were all the while checking on the convoy that is following my grandmother in the ambulance.They all left at about 11pm from the hospital. They said she is stable right now and much better .The ambulance was leaded by uncle Ragu .The journey was slow as they can’t drive fast with her. She almost gave 2 stunning shocks just before the Tol at Bukit Raja.

The ambulance had to stop, as her breathing was slowing down. After about 20 minutes, they started the journey once again.These were the report we were getting back.

They all reached Bidor exit at about 12.30pm.
The stretch of road from Bidor to Teluk Intan is rough, so the convoy was slow though avoiding every hump and holes on the road. But besides that, they had another stop again,her breath was really slowing once again and the heart beat was dropping, somehow she was revived.

Finally they reached Teluk Intan. She was drove around the town for the last time, the place she has walked and spent most of her time and she was also taken to the “Murugan “temple her favourite place and had a glance of it for the last time. Even though she was unconscious, sure she could feel everything that is happening around her. By the time she reached the house it was already 1.50am. Slow they brought her into the house. She was taken to prayer room for the last time also, all of were in tears as it’s her scared room. Later on, we settled her in her room. The hands were still moving, fed her milk through the tube, I was beside her all night, I didn’t or couldn’t sleep. All of us took turn to be with her and watch her. Some of us took rest but we were all watching her for every second. She was on the oxygen mask and there were no other machines supporting her.

Saturday – Moments of Survival...

 
Everyone was around her for every second, checking on her, taking turns, no sleep at all.
She was not left alone for any time. Indeed she kept the family all together with her. Everyone just left their works behind just to be with her for the last moment. In morning, the ladies gave her a wipe and change her in new fresh cloths. The windows in her room widely opened,as the sun shined through, and the rays reflecting on the floor .

The smell of the morning just reminds me of the days in my childhood.Birds chirping on the “Chikku” tree near her room window. At the background the radio is playing Lord Perummal’s song as its Saturday. She lies there in her room unconsciously just breathing hard with the oxygen mask. She looks calm and serene. They have place the “holy ashes and the kum-kum “ on her forehead. Now there was a total change on her looks.

For the very first time, the entire TPL family was living together under one roof. Each and every one play their roles well and also corporated to spend the last moments with her Even though she is unconscious but her left hand was still moving and lifting it high as though looking for someone to hold. Anyone of us will just hold her hand to assure her that we are at her side. I would just give her a peck time to time, giving her comfort that she will be alright.
 

Meanwhile the oxygen machine that she is depending on is giving problem too. It gets heated and stops working. All of us would get panic has every time it stops, to be on safe side, Ragu uncle arranged a standby tank from the nearest hospital. Even that has problem, its finishes fast within 2 hours and needs to be refilled each time.

It’s the 2nd night with her; we took turn to watch her and the machine. Slowly whatever response she had was fading away. She was already going deeper unconsciousness. In between, she would give us all a sudden shock where she gasps for breath as though it was the last breath. That whole night, I hardly could sleep. I just spend as much time I could with her. But thank god, she was still with us for another day.

Sunday- Time was ticking…..the day to leave!!!

The oxygen machine finally gave way. It was repaired by Karthi time to time to keep is going but failed but we had the standby tank.It’s a tensed situation when the oxygen machine gave up at certain point.

The last “kum kum” from her. < pic to be loaded >


Monday – The day she left us 22/12/2008 – 02.44am – last breath in this world...

It all happens at sudden, we were all too relaxed and joking with each another, the adults were talking about the past and the old house stories, basically their childhood. All of a sudden, her breath deteriorated .It became short; I was panicking, alert my doctor aunt and the others. As Gamini and Ragu uncle guessed, it was almost times up for her. She was slowly leaving us. We were holding on her, my uncle told us to let go off her she has to leave. I brought myself forward to say it,”It’s time to leave Ammai ( poithu vange) “.

All of us gathered around her, it’s just by few seconds when everyone was at her side; she finally left us. I watched as she let go her last breath. My heart was pumping hard and I was feeling cold in fright. My grandmother is not there anymore. Everyone was quite silent for a second and then felt the lost. We could not hold back our tears.

She is gone; ” Madam Sarumathi Loganthan” has ended her life. I just looked up and I know my grandfather and Siva uncle are there in that same very room at that moment to take her with them. I looked at them and just asked one question, why so fast? I know even she is there looking at all of us back down. All of the past memories were flashing in my mind. All my moments with my grandfather and grandmother. Everyone was upset in their own pace and some of them were organizing the house for the funeral.

My grandmother just laid still. I was just watching her, kissed her on the forehead and called out for her in her ears for the last time, “ AMMAI “.Then everyone started to make arrangements for the funeral. We can’t keep her long as need to send off by today. We got her ready, bathed her, it was like doing “Abhishegam” for Amman. All the ladies and I was the only grand-daughter there to bath her. I could not hold back my tears as we gave her a bath. I used think back those days when she has given me a bath when I was a little girl and also lately I have bathed her too. We changed her into a red sarees that my Manju aunt presented to her for Charu’s ear piercing function. We placed a “pottu” ( a red mark ) on her forehead despite the ridiculous ritual of not placing it for a widow .

The ladies dressed her, I was not there as I was busy with other works. After the whole “allangaram” dressing , her looks totally changed. She didn’t look like as we all knew her just few days back. She looked as what she was in the past, before grandfather passed away. She looked tranquil and unruffled. She was beautiful as she always does. The coffin arrived. After dressing her up we laid her in the coffin. She looked so beautiful and unexplainable how could this happen.

I just wished everything was just a dream and not reliaty but I had to accept the fact it’s really happening now( I don’t need to pinch myself to wake as I’m wide awake ).The men were organizing outside with tents and other things. The ladies were changing and sorting out the house. I got myself changed and sat beside my grandmother most of the while. I just didn’t want to leave her side for the last time and I didn’t want to lay there all alone. As I touched her cheek, it was warm and was not cold at all. The unexplainable beauty and the serene looks on her face. It was almost dawn. I took in charge to informing the people in Teluk Intan of the passing.All my uncle’s were also busy informing their friends and relatives.


Monday - Funeral Day....

 
Something interesting took place on that day morning .There was this shabby looking man invited himself for the funeral. We all never seen him before but he actually he came to visit my uncle Shan as he claims that he is his school mate. But the curiosity raised among us with question till now .

Why was this person was looking for him on this day? What was his purpose? Who was he ?
And not knowing it was a funeral house.

I was beside my grandmother, I wasn’t alone, Aunty Kanama was also there with me when this man walked in. We assumed someone that knew my grandmother. But he just came in, kneeled in front of her, raised the “ Uchradham”( holy seed worn for Lord Shiva ) and said few Shivan manthra’s,he  blessed her and bowed to her. I looked at him curiously and also Kanama sithi, we indeed exchanged looks, maybe his doing it for a reason.

Then he spoke,”I was in town, I was asked to come here to visit Shan and I didn’t know about this. Now I know why I was sent here. I’m leaving to Himalaya’s next week and won’t come back for good.I and my aunt exchanged our looks deeper for a moment.
 

What does he mean by that?
Who is he?
Why was he here?
 

Than he left, passing by my uncle Ragu who was sitting in the other hall. Stopped over and spoke to him. Uncle Ragu told him to wait and meet Uncle Shan as he has gone out. That man told him ‘Of course, I will wait, I must see him. While this man was waiting for my uncle outside, more curiosity raised within my brothers of his shabby appearances. They were have odd thoughts in their minds, “who this and why is he dressed like this, torn pants and shabbily. Suddenly out of sudden, this man came over to them and answered, “Don’t judge someone by the looks. I’m here for a purpose” and my brother got a shock. How did he knew what was running in my mind? How come he knew what I thinking? Who is he? Curiosity rose among them. Then my brother realised he is not a normal person. He is someone from higher level being assigned here on a mission. The man waited till my uncle Shan came.But we didn’t know what happen. My Shan says he doesn’t know him either but said something more to passing some message that my uncle needed to know.

People started to arrive for the funeral. By afternoon the whole house and outside were packed. She was well –known in this town. Everyone paid their last respect to this great divine soul. Some of them were amazed of how she looked on that day despite being a widow. As per the Hindu religion, if you’re a widow, when you die you will not be dressed with flowers and “pottu” on forehead. But my grandma’s wish was to go as what she was not as a widow. She wanted to be in full dress with silk saree , pottu and flowers on her head. Some people who visited say she looked the same as they have seen her some 15 years back when my grandfather was alive. The crowd outside was getting big and fully packed. The roads were jammed with cars and traffic.
I was at her side all the while never left has as I know I will miss the last chance of being with her. Time was short and I know she won’t return again. I was admiring every part of her, having my flash back of her memories. Flowers after flowers, bouquets of flowers were filling the outside, fruits, people after people. This was amazingly a real famous funeral with most people and also was a talk of the town. The flower shops were running out of flower order as all were sent to her.

My mum got her a garland and requested me to place it on her. I could not do it, I could bring myself forward, I can’t imagine I’m doing it. I just dropped it on her and started crying more. She was my grandma, she is no more there. I consoled myself time to time, as she remains in my heart.

It was almost time, she has to leave now. The men came in after doing their rituals. All my uncle’s and the grandsons of the family, they came to carry her coffin to outside for more rituals before she leaves us forever. She was carried out of the house for the last time. We did all the rituals all went on well. I took most of her best sarees from her cupboard and placed on her. All her favourite sarees were laid on her. The final rituals were done, it was time to close her coffin, I just went to her and kiss on her fore head for the very last time in my life, I could not hold my cry. I could not leave her, I was badly broken and I controlled myself. Everyone was uncontrollable with their cries. Uncle Shan and Uncle Segar were badly in tears. First time I’m seeing them crying. Aunt manju was the worst among everyone as she was my grandma’s favourite daughter and she was close to her during her last few weeks.

Then the coffin was closed. Then they placed a grand silk saree on top of the coffin. The coffin was taken; I had to control and take care of the ladies. Aunty Manju was really broken. I was carrying my little sister Charu who realized my grandma is going off. I could not explain further about her death .She started crying where is she going, why are they taking her like that? At that moment, I could not answer anything to her; I only had to tell her, she is going to the Gods.

The hearse was ready; it was decorated with the lots of flowers that people brought. The whole hearse was covered beautifully. Her coffin was placed inside. I can’t see my grandma again. That’s last and forever. All of us went around the hearse for the last ritual. The hearse moved, I could not control myself and I was carrying my little sister. It was going off. I just kept saying in Tamil, “Have a safe journey, I love you” to her. The hearse went and took the turning of at the curve. I was thinking to myself, her final path, the road that she has walked before, the route she has went on now heading to the cemetery.
We went into the house, most of the crowd left. Only those remained stayed back and helped us to wash the house. I went to her room, and notice something was missing and could feel the vibrant of the room has gone with her.

The queen of the family has left peacefully, she is gone. The only remains are her good deeds and her memories.